Broken and Beautiful

Hey, guys.  To the one whose dreams are falling apart; to the one whose heart feels broken or burdened; to the one who feels like you have nothing left to live for...

Don't. Give. Up.

God has you now, and He is constantly reassuring and comforting your heart.  To be broken? Yeah, I know...it can stink and hurt tremendously at times.  But unless we allow God to heal us--to take us in His arms and lift our burdens--then we will forever see ourselves as broken creatures who continue to break the hearts of others who we love most.  And the outcome of being broken?  Becoming beautiful in God's light.  For in God's perfection, we are made perfect.

Don't. Give. Up.

God has you!

Dreams are like Pancakes!

I had a lovely dream last night that brought a huge smile to my face when I woke up!  I had dreamed that Ms. Jennifer and I were about to leave for the airport so we could go to Jamaica.  We were getting ready--you know, the typical kind of readiness procedures--when Mr. Johnny, our pastor, pulled up.  "Woohoo!  It's Jamaica time!" I thought in my dream.  I was so excited...until I realized that I hadn't packed, my guitar wasn't paid for, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, Ms. Jennifer couldn't find her toothpaste!  So when I woke up, I remembered my dream and BUSTED out laughing!  It would be the TOOTHPASTE!  :)  So dreams are like pancakes?  Why, yes.  They fill up a certain part of your body and comfort a certain part of your soul!  ( More or less )  They oftentimes make you realize what you're thankful for, who you're blessed with, and what you have to live for!  After such an incredible Spring Break...THE BEST WEEK OF MY LIFE...I was left with such HAPPY dreams and feelings in my heart! I love you all! :)

Sweetest friend EVER!  How I love her!
[Macchiato...Frappucino...Kids' Drink...]

One of my favorite things in the world? Praising God with some of my closest friends.

The Covenant is NOT broken!

This weekend has--BY FAR--been one of the best weekends of my ENTIRE life!  Starting on Saturday, I spent the whole day with Emmett, our dog, and my parents and two of my brothers!  Upon waking up in the morning to the glorious sun shining through my blinds, I thought to myself, "Now this is a Mary Poppins kind of day!"  Makes sense to me!

Walking into the kitchen...everybody's gone out different places first thing in the morning--Mom and Dad went to the gym at the crack of dawn, Zach spent the night at a friend's, and Bennett...well, he was in bed till noon!  So I started the day right: I tackled Emmett and became one with the dirt!  So the morning was beautiful!

Emmett and his table!

Later, with soaring temperatures and a blazing sun, we played an intense game of soccer called 'World Cup'.  If you're not familiar with it, it's SUCH a fun game!  You pick a country, and you just go from there.  As always, Patriotic Bennett is Team USA!  Zach, again, is always the Beautiful Brazil!  And me?  Hah--Jamaican me crazy!  (Get it...?)  It doesn't matter who won, who came out with the most bruises, or who ran the fastest.  That quality time that I shared with my brothers--that's not something that I have the privilege of seeing every day.

Family Vacation 2013: Myrtle Beach State Park

Aside from being outside ALL day, playing volleyball with mom, soccer with Z&B, climbing trees, playing with Emmett, and just enjoying the glory of the day, I got to go relive some childhood memories with my Dad!  When he would take us to Lowe's hardware store, we'd explore for hours, becoming excited over pieces of wood and hanging birdfeeders with birdseed.  Since I'm working on a project for my painting class, I needed a sheet of plywood...so OFF to Lowe's we went in search of the perfect piece of wood.  Just me and Dad.  That's something that hardly ever happens, and because God granted us this precious time together, I was reminded of how blessed I am to have him in my life.  I don't think I ever realized before just how much I love him!  And through the tiniest blessings, God heals our hearts and makes them whole again.

And then that night, we had a Cookout with the family!  Veggie burgers for me, hot dogs for everybody else, and loads of chips, beans, and pineapple casserole!  It was like nothing had changed over the years for a whole day.  All hardships had been forgotten, and all misunderstandings and arguments had been set aside.  We were all just happy and carefree.

Sunday morning, I went to church, and it was a BEAUTIFUL service that was led by the beautiful praise team!  A wonderfully eye-opening message from our pastor and wonderful fellowship after a breakfast of homemade pancakes made for a lovely start!  Afterwards, I think I literally flew to our home church as I tried to catch the service.  Although I arrived just as it was letting out, I was able to see all of the people who my heart was longing for: Ms. Joyce, Mrs. Judy, Mr. Van and Mrs. Sharon, Mr. C.S. and Mrs. Arlene, Mrs. Dorlis and Mr. Jarvis, Ms. Sue, and SO many others who had such an influence when I was younger!  The whole weekend, I focused on regaining the childlike innocence that I kicked under the dust when the pressures of this world felt too heavy to bear with a humbling attitude.  However, God picked me up out of the muck that I had fallen into, and He filled me with His cool, refreshing spirit.  I felt revitalized.  I felt alive again.  I felt free--I feel free!  I placed myself in the shoes that I had worn years ago, and I knew then that God had indeed renewed my spirit and made me whole again!  It took a little bit of searching, a lot of faith, and sincere trust in the people who God has blessed me with.  Becoming distant DOESN'T work!  Staying angry DOESN'T work!  Soaring in skies of grace and seas of mercy brings us so much closer to the God who created each being, and in coming closer, we find pure innocence and pure pleasure in every flower of a blessing that grows in the light of His glory!

Ms. Joyce, who absolutely made my day and blessed by heart, and Mrs. Jean

Leaving a glorious day behind after spending hours outside with Emmett and my Dad, we began the dreaded trek back to school in Raleigh.  Already? I thought.  How can it already be time to go back after such a blessed weekend?  Practically all of my dreams came true in one weekend, and it's already ending!  But so it was.  I encounter people every day who don't know the love of Christ.  I meet new person after new person who all put on a nice, seemingly genuine smile, but underneath lies the unspeakable pain that can only be healed through the cross.  If you're unsure about where you're supposed to be here and now, just wait patiently where you are for God's plans to be seen through to completion.  Although I feel as if God is leading me to a different place, I know that while I am here, I should be shining His light and emanating His love for the world to see, for a candle is placed on a sill to illuminate the shadows.  I trust in God with all that I am, and His love is what keeps me going.  And how are we reminded of this awesome truth?  Genesis 9:12-13: And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come.  I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth."  Whenever He sees the rainbow, He is reminded of the covenant, and we, as His children, are reminded of it as well.  How cool is that?!  So  the rainbow, the covenant, appeared in the clouds as my heart began to fall, and I was again reminded of just how beautiful my weekend was, and how God tremendously blessed our family!

February 23, 2014 Rainbow!

Just know that God always has you.  When your heart is crushed, when you feel betrayed, when those you love unconsciously hurt you--know that you are God's, and He is yours.  Have a blessed Monday!  Enjoy this gorgeous weather, and count your blessings one by one; then you'll see what God has done!

Each Star of a Blessing

Each star could easily represent a single blessing, or even a cluster of blessings, in my life.  It took me forever to realize that each gift, smile, or loving kiss, given by either a rat or a dog, was a blessing.

So in the very beginning, I had my rat babies, Squirrel and Shadow! (Squirrely and Shad, as I often refer to them...)  What cute, itty-bitty rats with ADORABLE, long tails!  I was in love, and I hadn't even figured out how to hold them right!  They were each such a beaming ray of sunshine in my life.  Just like all fur balls, they know when you're sad, happy, ecstatic, worn out, or just emotionally drained, and they make every effort to lighten your mood!  Shadow ran up to me one day after I had been crying all afternoon, and shamefully, I wiped my tears away.  (Yeah, I didn't want my rats to know that I was upset!)  But he knew.  He crawled up into my lap, clutched my arm as he made his way up to my shoulder, and he sat there, kissing the tears off of my face!  What a loving, sweet boy!  And because of his undying affection, I thought that he was more emotionally attached than Squirrely was, so I oftentimes paid him more mind.  As unconscious as this action was, I soon regretted it.  Don't get me wrong--I absolutely adored both of my rats!  I just thought that Shadow was more attached than Squirrel.  But boy, was I wrong.

As they got to be energetic middle-aged rats, they were always putting on small, funny shows for us.  They would leap and bound, tackle and hide, and they would twitch their whiskers and wrinkle their furry noses as they investigated a new corner of the house that they had yet to see!  It wasn't until a year and a half after I adopted S&S that Squirrel planted one single kiss on my cheek after I had been upset.  I was taken aback, initially thinking it was Shadow!  But no, it was Squirrel.  It was then that I realized that Squirrel and I were a lot alike: we both were energetic and playful, but we were also very reserved.  Although we each had a great love that was swarming around in our hearts, we waited until that one moment when we could release the affection that was waiting to burst forth.  From that moment on, I never once doubted Squirrel's love for me.

Sweet Shad

Silly Squirrely

But even times wears on an old heart.  As Shadow became sick, my heart broke and died a tiny death, but one that felt like a thousand daggers in my chest.  He waited two weeks as I came back from school.  He waited two weeks until I was able to hold him one last time, kiss him goodbye, and tell him that it was okay to let go.  He held on that long, and I didn't want to see him suffer anymore.  He kissed my arms as I cradled him, tears falling from my face and splashing into his matted black and white fur.  Never had I been kissed so much by Shad, and never had I envisioned a life without him!  So as I held him, as he kissed me, he slowly slipped away until his small, frail body rested peacefully in my arms.

Squirrel laying with Shadow the night that he passed away.

His death took such a toll in my life because I allowed it to.  What I didn't do was take into account all of the times that he blessed my life, which was each waking minute that I took a breath.  And although I still miss him, there is only a warm sense of peace when I think about the life he had.

A few months later, Squirrel began to lose weight, although he was eating like a pig!  His fur became thin and brittle, his eyes less glossy, and his back legs, impaired.  He held on for one last Christmas with us as he perched on my shoulder while I opened the wrapped ukulele that was under the tree.

  I thought he would last one or two more weeks, but I couldn't have been more wrong.  Just like Shadow, he was a fighter.  In January, he was looking rough, but that rat continued to fool us all as he attempted to run around the house and eat every crumb that laid in his wake.  And yes, I treasured every precious moment with him.  I took him with me when I drove in the car to pick one of my brothers up, I held him in a blanket when I sat on the front porch, I shared my meals with him, and we had frequent movie nights together.  Basically, he came with me everywhere.  We were joined at the hip.

I went back to school, knowing that I would be home the next weekend, but not knowing if he would survive even that long.  But just like Shadow, he did.  Straight from church I came, and I flew into the backdoor after giving Emmett a massive hug and kiss.  I ran to my room, found Squirrel--EATING LIKE A PIG--, and picked him up as I spent the next hour with him.  Soon after, though, we took my Granddaddy out to eat for his 75th birthday, and were gone for a couple of hours.

After his party, we came back home, and I had a brilliant plan for how the night was going to unfold!  First, I was going to bring a plate of crackers into my room, courtesy of Squirrely, I was going to grab a drink and a snack for myself, we were going to curl up together in my bean bag, blankets wrapped around us, and we were going to finish Princess Diaries 2, a movie that I had not seen in a long time.  Blankets and bean bag? Check.  Movie in?  Check.  Food ready? Almost.  Squirrely ready?  Not quite.

I walked back over to where he was hiding under the dresser and got him out, being careful with his frail body.  I took one last look at him, and the dreaded thought that had been weighing in my heart all day finally connected in my brain.  I couldn't let him suffer any longer.  With his back legs no longer working, mites covering his body, his eyes being blinded with age, and his frail frame no longer supporting him, I made a decision to take his suffering away.  So this glorious, dream-like night that I had envisioned was about to be over...and it was all my fault.  I went and found my dad, who was in the kitchen, and I asked him if I could borrow some money to pull me through with the cost of taking Squirrel to the vet.  He agreed, and as I was walking out the front door, Squirrel bundled in a towel, shivering from the cold night air, mom asked me if I wanted anybody to go with me.  I thought about it, and through my tears, I replied that I wanted to be alone with him one last time.  So my brothers and parents said their goodbyes, and I made a 10 minute trip to the vet a 35 minute drive as I convinced myself to finally take Squirrel inside.  Clutched against my chest in the car, that rat had never sat still for me--not until this night.  For those last 40 minutes, he calmly looked up at me as I drove, and I was constantly planting kisses on his head. (Which probably annoyed him, if we're being honest here!)  Just like with Shadow, I let the tears stream down my face, clouding my vision as I drove right past the Emergency Vet Clinic and into neighboring residential areas, hoping to extend my time with Squirrel.  So down Evans St., through some lights, crossing over into West Haven to buy time, and finally coming back up Evans.  In that time, I just remember holding him in silence, praying for peace, singing to ease my heart, and telling him, just like I had with Shadow, that it was okay to let go.

I finally pulled into the parking lot, wiping the tears away as we got out of the car, the cool air ripping through my clothes.  Inside we went, and as I held him close to me, I filled out the forms that would document my consent for him to be euthanized.  She took him away, and the vet came over and told me what they would do..."We'll put a little cotton ball with gas over his nose so that he falls asleep peacefully, and then we'll inject an overdose of some drug into his heart.  He won't feel a thing."  At the use of "peacefully fall asleep", "gas", and "injection into the heart" used in the same sentence, I felt my heart stop working, my feet stop supporting my weight, and my  entire body just shut down.  IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?! I inwardly shouted at myself.  I was killing my rat, my friend, my little love!  So less than five minutes later, here came the nurse bearing a wrapped up pee pad, a heart placed on the end where Squirrel's head was.  I silently took the still bundle, thanked them, and walked out to the car.  It unlocked, I got in, I turned the lights off, and I let it go.  So there were the tears falling, the sobs racking my body, and the lifeless, warm bundle that was resting peacefully in my arms.  The only comfort was knowing that I was with him in the end.  Although I wanted to be holding him when he passed, he was so stubborn that he wouldn't have allowed himself to go anytime soon.  So here was the new Squirrel--a Squirrel that was only still two times in my existence: One, when he knew that it was his last time, and two, after he had passed.  After I had killed him.  Again, I took a long drive home, getting back in another 40 minutes.  So that night, I stood out in the 40 degree weather as I dug his little grave next to his brother's.  The tears were gone, and I was angry with myself, but again, I felt God comforting my heart as he led me through another tiny storm.

Once he was buried and I had said goodbye to both rats, I went inside and into my room, where everything was just the way it was when I left:  the open door on the cage, the nibbled bits of luxurious food that I had sneaked to Squirrel earlier that night, and the pile of blankets that were bundled together in the bean bag chair.  That night, with such a heavy heart, I decided to sleep in the bean bag chair.  I don't know what came over me, but I felt like I needed to fulfill my wishful promise to Squirrel before the night was over.  So at 10:00, I settled in with my cup of tea, and I wrapped the blankets around me as I turned on Princess Diaries 2 on my computer, unable to rid my head of thoughts of Squirrel and the way that he looked at me when I saw him.  I fell asleep that night, wrapped in the blankets, exhausted from such a strenuous night of grief and chaos.

The next morning, I was as dry as sun-bleached dirt after a drought.  There were no tears left, just a bitter, nagging feeling in my heart.  I had to go to church to help prepare for the fundraiser that we were having that night, so before anybody was up, I left the house and drove over.  Once I was there, the realization that Squirrel was gone struck me again, and I broke down in the parking lot.  Of all places!  God's comfort was the only thing holding me together, and as one who despises crying in front of others, there was another person who who has the gift of understanding how others are feeling, and she doesn't ever discourage crying--she embraces it as a form of healing.  So when I saw her, I put on my BEST smile, cup of tea in my hand, and an enthusiastic worker's posture!  But no. Uh-uh.  She saw right through that thin disguise.  After everybody had left that room, she asked me if I was okay, and I said "Definitely!" as optimistically as possible!  (If you've ever seen me try to fake optimism, then you know that it just doesn't work for me!)  Oh, my frail heart!  My weak eyes!  How they need some major muscles to hold in those baseball-sized tears!  So the story unfolded, she embraced me, and I realized again how sweet and good our God is!  This beautiful lady who means so much to me!  Oh, how I am blessed to have her in my life, and how God has blessed us all with such a shining star!  The pain lasted, but with God's unending love and grace, He allowed me to continue to shine His light while I was being comforted by Him!  How magnificent is our God!  And that anger that I had brought Squirrel's death upon him left me, as well.  Forever I will miss him, but knowing that he is at peace now comforts me.

February 7, 2014

Just Be

So as the adventure continues, becoming angry, stressed out, and overwhelmed are NORMAL.  Yeah, normal!  You are not alone in this crazy whirlwind of a life!  This is a time, just like so many other times, when it is okay to decompress, detox, and de-stress completely!  How can you do that?

Just be.

To just be.  To take a breath, focus on the sounds around you as you close your eyes.

Okay, I realize that not everybody has the privilege of escaping to such a place as this in the spare five minutes of their work lives, school lives, crazy lives, or bizarre lives, but it does help sometimes to at least envision the sights and sounds of a tropical paradise.  Sometimes, though, focusing on what's around us helps, too...

Find that perfect tree that offers shade to a patch of grass in your yard!  Listen intently as its leaves brush against one another and as its branches click together as they touch in the breeze.  Close your eyes and let the sun wash over your face as the shadows of the low-hanging branches flicker across your closed eyelids! Are these not the simple pleasures in life that even entice small children?  Why, yes, they are!

So envisioning a place, taking a deep breath, closing your eyes, and even escaping to a calm, relaxing setting can all make your heart feel light once more!  But there has to be something more!  And there is.  Setting aside time to just talk to God--to just converse with God like He is a friend, for He is just that.  Reading scripture.  Opening a Bible to Psalm 118:24 or Philippians 4:4, both of which are joyful scriptures!  Just taking that precious time to talk with our beautiful Savior--what greater form of love and comfort could be endowed on us?!

I also find sitting in the top of a tree, isolating myself in the beauty of God's creation, reading a book, playing guitar, and worshiping God to be very relaxing and comforting, as well.  To grab Black Jack, my guitar, and run down to the lake outside of the dorm, or to dart into the back yard or to the Greenway when I am at home, brings such a great and curious joy to my heart!  With each strum and pluck of the string, I can see those heart-wrenching burdens floating up to God!  And that in and of itself makes me smile.  A genuine smile.

So just sitting and listening, opening your heart, and focusing your mind.  These all allow a sense of great peace to wash over your soul and spirit!  Even watching your silly, lighthearted pets run around is great therapy for a sickened heart and a weakened spirit!

Ever Get That Feeling??

Ever had one of those days where the sun peers through the clouds just right or you catch the scent of a sweet flower as it floats by on the breeze, and you're reminded of another day and another time?  I hope that's making at least a little bit of sense!

Well, this has just been one of THOSE weeks!  Every time I've walked outside into the fresh NC air, I feel the sun on my face, I smell the scent of the budding flowers, and I am reminded of the purely innocent, childlike days!  Mainly, I am reminded of the beautiful people who God blessed me with: My Grandmomma and Ms. Virginia, a loving neighbor and friend!

Ms. Virginia

Me, Austin, and Grandmomma

Although this weather brings so many memories flooding back and causes me to become lost in time, it also reminds me of how blessed I was to have such beautiful people in my life, even if it seemed too short of a time frame!  So if anybody passes me whilst one of these happy tears is sliding down my face, think nothing of it!  It's just a tear, which is a blessing, which brings blessings upon us, which shower us with love from God!  :)  So, yes, I miss Grandmomma and Ms. Virginia nearly every day, but knowing that each one had her impact on me leaves me with such unspeakable joy!  Besides, who better to tend to the flowerbeds in Heaven's gardens?  And in knowing these two beautiful ladies, I hope with the deepest, most concealed areas of my heart that I can be a little like each one of them.  Two more Shining Blessing Stars!

Coming Closer to Christ!

Jamaica...

Such a beautiful place that so often comes to mind as one inhabited by wealthy individuals who live on white sandy beaches, just a step away from paradise.  Jamaica.  Jamaica is a paradise, but not for the reasons that bring so many people to its sea-lined borders.

When God created each being--when he made us so wonderfully in His image--He saw our destinies before they were even born.  "This one's going to lead a strong life," He might have thought, "And this one...Yes, she will definitely encounter some storms, but I will be with her every step of the way...".  So God had a plan.  God has a plan for each one of His children.  And my destiny?  I will wait patiently upon the Lord!

So often I have found myself rushing life at the age of eighteen years old.  One month at Meredith College, and I am ready to drop it so fast and flee after God, thinking He is leading me straight into the storm.  But is that what He is really doing?  Is He calling me to enter that world now, or is He preparing me for what is to come?  Whenever faced with such a question, I call on 2 Corinthians 4:17: "These light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (NIV)  These light and momentary troubles, I think.  When the first crash of thunder sounded, I thought the world was going to end...Light and momentary troubles?!  Lord, You have to be joking!  But God doesn't joke with His creations...

God allowed me to experience the thunder, but just like the thunder in a storm, He never allowed it to even touch me...to even come remotely close to me.  How great is our God that He allows us to grow in His Word, achieving for Him the eternal kingdom, and yet, He gives us the strength to continue to persevere.

So when Jamaica was placed on my heart this past summer (2013), I finally realized, "Hey, this is God speaking to me--God changing my heart--God placing concerns on my mind!  This is God...is this who has been talking to me these past two years about the great plans that He has in store?  This is HIM?!"  I couldn't believe it!  I had felt so compelled to do something great for the glory of something.  But at the time, I didn't know exactly what that was.  So just like anything, I began to branch out and search for that yearning that no human being or object could satisfy.  For a while, I believed it was my calling to save lives in the military.  To secretly join the Marines or become a police officer, firefighter, or a paramedic.  Was this it?  Is this what I wanted?  I began to look into the National Guard, the Army, the Marine Corp, and eventually, I settled with being completely unhappy with myself after reasoning that my parents would never allow for me to do that.  Where did I turn next?  I had nowhere to turn.  I was stuck in a hole, and I couldn't find my way out.

A Sunday approached, just like every other Sunday, and I went to church, as we did every week.  Ryan, our youth pastor, happened to come into our Sunday School class that day, where he told us of an upcoming retreat to Hickory, NC.  "That sounds pretty cool!" I thought as he began handing out flyers.  But what I was unaware of was the change of heart that I would experience.  Shortly after, we loaded up the buses one morning and ventured out into the western part of North Carolina where the mountains were towering and glorious against the brilliant blue sky! "Oh, For a Thousand Tongues to Sing!" I think now as I envision His marvelous creations!  Turn in every direction, and there were people who were brought there by different callings, but who were there nonetheless for the same purpose--to grow closer to God through ministry and worship with others.

Of course, every trip has to have an interesting twist, a spot of humor, or a crazy landmark.  Lucky for us, we encountered all three!

1.  The interesting twist and the spot of humor--I do believe--go together quite well.  Therefore, we shall call this 1. and 2.  Upon our arrival to the cabins where we were staying, it was about 11 pm--just after the worship service ended.  None of us had eaten, so Ryan (Thankful for him!!)  foraged in the back of the vans that we traveled in, where he found packs of frozen biscuit dough and bags of chips.  Biscuits and chips for dinner?!  Seriously?!  But that was the funniest part--the laughter that came with the realization that our meal was a tray of hot biscuits brought us together.  So in the room we sat, finding seats wherever they were available, talking with one another as our eyes grew heavy with sleep!  So many adventures, I thought as I pictured the campsite where we were staying.  Such a fun and beautiful group of people!!  Rachel, Carly, Laryssa, Cat, Bree, Zach, Bennett, Dad...so many of them; there were just so many! 3. Number three--the crazy landmark--is one that will forever stick in all of our hearts as we reflect on the retreat: There was a giant man holding a hamburger (A mascot for some restaurant) simply sitting in the middle of the woods.  Yep.  Right smack-dab in the center of it all.  This landmark, this statue, marked the path to where we were going.  As strange as it was, sometimes we just have to encounter these crazy landmarks in order to discover where God is leading us.  Sometimes, the strangest events mark the most glorious paths as we try to find our way to the Heart of God!

Well, the next day, we were practically leaping with joy--literally, as there were trampolines in the ground just outside of the cabins.  It was time to pack up and go after two incredible nights of worship and ministry from pastors and bands, including Switchfoot, Meredith Andrews, Elishah, Museum, 7Miles, and NewWorldSon.  What an emotional, spiritual, changing experience!  How great our God must be for Him to love us so and shower us with blessings when He seems so far away from us!  When we push Him away, ignore Him altogether, or simply do not acknowledge that He is with us, He always finds a way in His own time to influence every person's heart!  And that is just what He did with mine.

Day 3: Sunday.  We pulled back into the church parking lot, and everybody unloaded and unpacked.  Whether it was right then or later in the week, I don't remember, but I ran back over to the church where Ryan was standing, and I asked him the question that would forever change my life.  I had felt something, a strong pull in my heart, that whole weekend, and I didn't want that spark, that fire, to leave me ever again.  So I asked Ryan one simple question as I tried to refrain from crying in front of him: "Is there anything that I can do around church--any way that I can become more involved in the ministry here?"  Clearly, tears were welling up in my eyes, for he smiled at me and invited me to help with Elevate, the middle school youth group, and to be a part of Resonate, the high school one.  Thinking about it now, without this invitation, I would have never, ever ventured into the church on either a Friday or a Sunday night to attend a youth group.  I hardly knew anyone my age, so it was the last thing on my list.

If there was one thing that'd I say now as I reflect on such an inspiring, moving weekend, I would say 'Thank you' to Ryan for opening the door to ministry that I almost let close in my face as I stood indecisively, confused by my own feelings!  Without his small push into the world of Elevate and Resonate, all of the connections that I have with others, the strong bond that I share with God, most likely would be absent from my terribly beautiful life that I am living today.  So thank you, Ryan, for changing my life.  God blessed us with the most incredible youth pastor ever, and like so many others, I aspire to live with many of the characteristics that he employs on a day-to-day basis.  From shining God's light to connecting with all of the youth at church, he is truly amazing, and my relationship with God has been so incredible since God allowed Ryan to guide me when I needed it most.

By recognizing God and all that He has done for me, I felt my heart changing in ways that it never had before.  I learned to put my full trust in Him when storms broke over oceans and waves came crashing down;  I found solace in His Word when my heart was breaking and tears were falling, forming rivers of sorrow.  But above all, I came to know this Peace that surpasses all understanding.  When I would sit and question the reasons for events occurring throughout my life--when I would imagine what awful things could still happen--I was overcome with a sense of peace.  Such a feeling is not easily put into words, for God's movement throughout life is oftentimes so extravagant that it goes beyond all words.  Even His most subtle movements have the greatest impact in everybody's lives!  So when His almost imperceptible whisper first came to my deafened ears, I was reluctant to respond to His call.  Did I trust God? Yes.  Did I study His Word? Sometimes.  Did I understand what He was calling me to do? No.  That understanding was completely absent from the life that I had envisioned myself living: secluded in the mountains in the vast state of Wyoming with no care in the world other than that of my horses and dogs.  No people--only God's nature...God's creation.  But now?  Now, I have the desire to be around people nearly all of the time.  All it takes for one person to see Jesus is a small drop of His Love and Kindness.  Like so many others, I have had such influential and beautiful people in my life who have brought me closer to the Truth of Jesus Christ!

After traveling to the realms of Hickory, NC and being blessed with the beauty there, and after a heart-flipping trip to Cherokee, NC with the youth group, I began to see how God was opening windows along the dark hallway in my life, allowing light to flood the enclosure in such an overwhelming way.  What light is this? I thought, bewildered at the sweet, warm feeling that had completely conquered my heart.

I am, answered that almost-imperceptible voice again.  "Who is this 'I am'?" I questioned.  "Is this the God who sent His one and only Son to die on the cross in order for our sins to be washed away?  Is this the God who knitted me together in my mother's womb, knowing exactly who I was going to be when I grew in His Light?  Is this the God who would bring so many people, so many Beautiful people, into my life to bring me closer to Him?  Why, yes.  Yes, this is that God.  This is Him!"  Back and forth I went until my heart was a muddled clump of nonsensical feelings that had no beginning or end.  That is, until I decided to go to Jamaica with the mission team from church.  What was in store for me?  I was about to find out really fast.

Summer came, June rolled around, and before I knew it, a year of preparation had delivered us into the airport in Raleigh.  Two flights later, and we were in the beautiful country of Jamaica.  The Jamaica that I had pictured hardly fit the sight that met my eyes once we were out of Kingston, the capital of Jamaica.  Stray dogs everywhere, dilapidated houses that were held together with sheets of tin and tires, remnants of the life of some other story that had ended there, and people dressed in little more than torn T-shirts and holey shoes.  Tears came to my eyes, something sharp twisted in my heart, and before I knew it, I had sunk so deep into the heart of Jamaica that I was overwhelmed with the desire--God's desire--to embrace every single person that I encountered: the small child, a smile on his face for the incoming visitors; the woman, a mother and friend to numerous people, spreading her arms wide and showering us with God's Love; the hard-working man with a rough, calloused exterior; but on the inside?  On the inside, a man whose heart was as large as Jamaica itself, love and music pouring forth in a beautiful effort to worship God.  Every single one of these people with their beautiful spirits and humbling hearts, willingly giving all they have to be servants to the servants of God.  Servants to the servants of God.  When we look at our lives and see how much we have, reluctance to obey and abandon covers our hearts like a veil!  Oh, to have a heart to follow God! Make me resemble You, Jesus!  And in answering this prayer, God sanctifies each and everyone of us through His gifts of Grace.  He makes us new in Him and redeems our hearts and spirits.  He continued to sanctify me through my trip to Jamaica as I served Him by being a witness of Jesus Christ, and that Truth has lived within me since then.

So on my heart was this beautiful country in need, and always in my my mind, on my heart, and lifting my spirits was this perfect, loving, encompassing God, who is my reason for living.  Such beautiful people did He place in my life to help me grow in His Grace.  These people took the forms of the people of Jamaica, our youth pastor, people in the church congregation, our pastor, and our praise leader--all beautiful; all family.  In my heart now is the same burning desire to serve God and His children!  In my heart now is such a great and emanating love that was placed there by God Himself.  In my life now is the living and moving spirit of God, who is always stretching His arms wide to catch those who begin to stumble, to pick up those who fall, and to strengthen those who have yet to encounter the storm.  When thinking of all that He has done to heal my heart and set me free from the hostages that held me captive, what more can I do than fall down and praise Him?  He is our loving Father!  He is our Redeemer; our friend; our Counselor; Prince of Peace; King of Kings; Son of God; Almighty Father; God.  He is God.  Reverting back to the original thought of Jamaica, upon going there, I realized that it was indeed God who was calling me to do great things in His Name.  That pull that I felt, the voice that I heard, and the love that emanated from the Heavens came from God Himself.  It wasn't some false alarm or a sense of abandonment or guilt that I felt tugging at my heart; it was God working His way into my heart as He prepared me for serving others.  The peace that took hold; the love that reigned; the beauty of God shining so brilliantly.  How each aspect changed my heart, and how God is continuing to sanctify me now as He molds me and makes me, just as a storm smooths the rough edges of a stone in order to transform it into a new creation.  So this is how God impacted my life and made me new.  And my prayer for each and every one of you is that you may come to know Jesus so intimately that you reflect His Light, knocking over the bush that attempted to conceal His candle in the heart of the storm.